Where does it go?
I'm wondering where two things have gone. Today I went to eat lunch with Dakota. I made one of those 'mommy' sacrifices, switching lunch with Dakota, because he thought he was supposed to get Tacos and it ended up being Taco Pie, which was nasty. But more about that in a minute.
Thing number one- As I was walking (in line, on the second square from the wall) I noticed two little girls in his class ahead of us. They were very sweet looking, and giggling, and whispering behind cupped hands. As we got to the lunchroom door, and the children didn't have to be so single file, these little girls, while walking and talking, side-by-side, held hands. Without a word to one another, they both just knew that right then, they were exactly where they wanted to be, and were with whom they wanted to be, and it was the most natural gesture for them to hold hands.
I suddenly remembered being in third grade, in a new school, and Amy Parks was my salvation. She was the first person to speak to me, and I don't think there was a moment throughout the rest of my school career when I didn't see her at least once a day. But that year- third grade- we were those two girls. I can remember walking from Mrs.Watts class with Amy. Laughing. Whispering secrets to one another. And I can remember holding her hand.
Where does that confidence with our friends go? At what age do we feel self concious about holding hands with our friends? I have noticed older women will old hands as well, so when does it come back? Because there are times, I think for all of us, when I think we need a hand to hold. Not for a romantic reason, or a grief driven reason, but just because we want an outward expression of the connection we feel emotionally- that comfort, that sameness. When (and why) do we begin to feel like that's an awkward feeling to have? I think if more of us felt the freedom to hold a friends hand once in a while, we wouldn't feel so... separate. So distant. So alone, even in a crowd. And I honestly think we all feel those things occasionally, but especially women. We are all so concerned with everyone's perceptions of us. We don't want to appear needy, or clingy. We don't want people to know there are things wrong in our lives. We want to appear to be these super women, and it's just not ever so. I think if you could just hold a friends hand, you'd get that connection.
Thing number two- Dakota loves it when I come to school to have lunch. Right now, it's the only time I can see him during school hours, since those are my work hours. But he loves it when I can be at school with him. I don't know if it is the change of pace, or the fact that he feels special that day. I don't know if he sometimes feels insecure, and me being there is reassuring, or if he just thinks I am a cool mom, and wants his friends to think so as well. I also don't know how long it will last. So where does the feeling go of wanting your mom there? I know by the time he's in middle school, he'll be mortifid if I try to come to lunch with him. I remember loving when my mom helped in class when i was a child, but being embarassed when I was a teen. I also know, that now, even as distant emotionally and physically as we are, I sometimes wish she would just come to lunch. And that's the rub for me. I am totally aware that these moments are fleeting, and I will soon be asking, "where did it all go" when I look at my two boys.
And I will need a hand to hold.
Thing number one- As I was walking (in line, on the second square from the wall) I noticed two little girls in his class ahead of us. They were very sweet looking, and giggling, and whispering behind cupped hands. As we got to the lunchroom door, and the children didn't have to be so single file, these little girls, while walking and talking, side-by-side, held hands. Without a word to one another, they both just knew that right then, they were exactly where they wanted to be, and were with whom they wanted to be, and it was the most natural gesture for them to hold hands.
I suddenly remembered being in third grade, in a new school, and Amy Parks was my salvation. She was the first person to speak to me, and I don't think there was a moment throughout the rest of my school career when I didn't see her at least once a day. But that year- third grade- we were those two girls. I can remember walking from Mrs.Watts class with Amy. Laughing. Whispering secrets to one another. And I can remember holding her hand.
Where does that confidence with our friends go? At what age do we feel self concious about holding hands with our friends? I have noticed older women will old hands as well, so when does it come back? Because there are times, I think for all of us, when I think we need a hand to hold. Not for a romantic reason, or a grief driven reason, but just because we want an outward expression of the connection we feel emotionally- that comfort, that sameness. When (and why) do we begin to feel like that's an awkward feeling to have? I think if more of us felt the freedom to hold a friends hand once in a while, we wouldn't feel so... separate. So distant. So alone, even in a crowd. And I honestly think we all feel those things occasionally, but especially women. We are all so concerned with everyone's perceptions of us. We don't want to appear needy, or clingy. We don't want people to know there are things wrong in our lives. We want to appear to be these super women, and it's just not ever so. I think if you could just hold a friends hand, you'd get that connection.
Thing number two- Dakota loves it when I come to school to have lunch. Right now, it's the only time I can see him during school hours, since those are my work hours. But he loves it when I can be at school with him. I don't know if it is the change of pace, or the fact that he feels special that day. I don't know if he sometimes feels insecure, and me being there is reassuring, or if he just thinks I am a cool mom, and wants his friends to think so as well. I also don't know how long it will last. So where does the feeling go of wanting your mom there? I know by the time he's in middle school, he'll be mortifid if I try to come to lunch with him. I remember loving when my mom helped in class when i was a child, but being embarassed when I was a teen. I also know, that now, even as distant emotionally and physically as we are, I sometimes wish she would just come to lunch. And that's the rub for me. I am totally aware that these moments are fleeting, and I will soon be asking, "where did it all go" when I look at my two boys.
And I will need a hand to hold.
