wishes and curses

I have these moments. I'll hear a song on the radio and I am wishing it would play over and over before it's ever ended. The songs feel like home. They are comfortable. Growin' Up by Bruce Springsteen is one of them. It just feels like, when you listen to it, that nothing can go wrong. That as long as it plays, everything feels normal, and good. I had a pretty crappy day today. No one's fault. I get all caught up in my head, and I over think things, but it left me feeling unsettled. So I pulled out my cd case, and browsed. Sure enough, Bruce was there. For some reason, Rock and Roll High School by the Ramones hits the same spot for me as well. So does Criminal by Fiona Apple. All very different songs- all very different artists, but all songs that are a salve for my aching sense of well being.

I don't know what it is when I feel unsettled, but I begin to think about the inevitable changes that will happen for me as I continue to grow. Another one of my father's friends died this week. He was a man who had the kindest smile, and I always had a crush on him when I was a younger girl. Probably the only innocent 'school-girl crush' I ever had in my whole life. To think he is gone is a slap in the face to my sense of immortality. I am not delusional. I know we are not immortal; I know there is nothing I can to do prolong my life, save live healthier, and even then, I add a mere 5 years or so. It's not that I live with the whimsical idea that good people don't die. I have seen many good people die. But when I lose people who are my father's age, or people who had that type influence on me, I make another mental tick mark that says 'That's one more of Daddy's friends. Soon it will be him. And then you will have to be a grown-up.' And dammit man. I'd rather just put on my headphones, and listen to my music, and hide from all the emotions that are 'being grown up.' I am tired of depression, and despair, and sad. I want the good tunes, and the sun, and the spring. I am tired of this dreary-ness. I don't really expect anyone to soothe this. I just feel like if I type this and send it out there into myspace land, then it's not in my head. I think keeping the thoughts in my head just perpetuates the cycle. I don't want anyone to solve this for me. I just want my Peter Pan Complex to serve a purpose. So Far, it's only made me foolish.